Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
