dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
you only had a canadian ten, but you said it was all good cuz you would just by molson.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Randomize
