Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
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Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
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professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
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