Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Randomize
