Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
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