He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
