News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Randomize
