Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
