apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
My liver just had a heart attack.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
