You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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