All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
This show inspires me to have sex in space
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
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