You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
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