he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
