I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Randomize
