At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.