I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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