Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
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last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
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Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
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