All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
