I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
