I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
what is it with giant penises always finding me
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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