Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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