who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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