There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
