You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
