He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
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