I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Randomize
