I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
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