my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
