3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
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and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
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He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
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