I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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