Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
