Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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