when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
