Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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