Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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