woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
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