me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
