This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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