Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
