he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
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