I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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