Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
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