I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
Randomize
