He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
zippers are such a cool invention
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
