He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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