Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
