I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
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