You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
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my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
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I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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