I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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