she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
I did not marry a roomba.
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