everytime i listen to a chris brown song and like it i feel like i bad person
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
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