I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Randomize
