Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
