ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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