You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
I hate all girls vehemently.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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