I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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