he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
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