Free body shot off of Sarah. Expires never.
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
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