There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Randomize
