I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
We just made watching Intervention into a drinking game. We drink everytime someone does drungs.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.